Thirty and Dirty and Surviving

Jennifer Garner's adage of "thirty and flirty and thriving" from the movie 13 Going on 30 doesn't really apply in my case. My birthday (November 23rd) started off on a crappy note. Literally. Brandon woke me up at 2:30 in the morning covered in our 3 week old son's poo, needing my help to get it out of his clothes, the changing table, the carpet, the rocking chair...you get the idea. My 31st year can only get better from here, right?
Brandon insisted I sleep in, so I pulled Mason into bed with me since he seems to sleep better that way in the mornings and tried to get some extra sleep, in spite of Teagan bursting in (too fast for Buddy) 3 times in 30 minutes, whining and crying about the silliest of things.

I was treated to a delicious breakfast and a shower as long as I wanted - a present in itself. Then it was off to Target to use some coupons that were expiring and shop for my birthday present. I had no idea what he wanted to get for me, but he took me the long way to the Christmas section and told me to choose a tree. May seem like a strange gift to you, but you probably don't have a Charlie Brown looking, 6 feet of toilet brush fake tree you paid $20 for at Wal-Mart 7 years ago. I was thrilled.

It rained for the second day in a row - and not typical Las Vegas rain, a 10 minute torrential downpour, but a constant drizzle. It was awesome. I had an excuse to wear my rain boots and it was such a change of pace from the constant heat and sun (boo hoo, I know!) that it made my birthday more enjoyable.

 

We headed for Firehouse Subs to claim the free sub that was rightfully mine for being born on November 23rd. Luckily, my birthday fell on a weekend, so with Brandon's combo Teagan ate for 99c. Or rather, didn't eat for 99c - she was too busy riding the dalmatian statue. 

 

I brought a bottle of expressed milk for Mason and didn't bring enough. He began to scream and Teagan started to run, so Brandon decided to move on to the next phase of Birthday Freebies - Tropical Smoothie Cafe - without the kids.

What's better than getting a free smoothie on your birthday? Getting a free smoothie by yourself, leaving your husband with two kids screaming at the top of their lungs. However someone, who will remain nameless, batted her eyelashes and asked oh-so-politely for some of Mummy's birthday smoothie. If you look past the scary hair, she really is too cute to resist. I ended up getting some of it, after we'd frozen and thawed it numerous times because I'd forgotten about it.
I requested that we decorate for Christmas, because I don't think the season lasts long enough (all due respect to Thanksgiving, I think it should be moved - Canada has it right.) Three large tubs brimming with Christmas trinkets + one rambunctious toddler whose world has been recently rocked = the holidays throwing up on my living room. As Teagan stepped on her squillionth ornament and dropped the container of jingle bells for the hundredth time, I started to think about my "new normal" as my sister-in-law, who also had her second child recently, put it.

When I had the time to sit down, think about and behold my new normal, I became overwhelmed and had a bit of an emotional breakdown. That time was consumed by nursing the baby, and I thus came to the overly dramatic conclusion that I'd never have a minute to myself again in this lifetime. (Looking back after a day or two, I realize that it isn't entirely true, and I won't always have a newborn, but in the moment I couldn't help but feel depressed.) I sat, nursing Mason and surveyed all that was mine - every surface in our kitchen littered with dirty dishes, "birthday cakes" made of tea towels and sponges dotting the kitchen floor amongst yesterday's crumbs, pillows everywhere but on the couches, baby clothes and big girl underwear strewn about the living room, and everything we have to do with Christmas laying on what I think was the carpet - hard to say, since I couldn't see any. I scanned the lower half of my house (it's all one big space) and imagined 100 different projects I'd like to tackle but will never have the time to do. Feeling like I'd never be myself again and feeling like I'd never have a clean or even tidy house again, I wept. You may laugh, but I find it difficult to function when things are a mess. Why did I have children, you ask? Well, to this point I'd been able to control it - or at least clean up after it. But it's gotten away from me and I am going to have to learn to let some things go if I have a prayer of remaining sane. Tears rolled down my cheeks as one child screamed in my arms and the other waved random objects in my face, wondering if I was cut out for motherhood at all.
My family was at our cousin's wedding in Canada and thoughtfully requested to Skype with us. (Thoughtfully requested meaning Nicola texting "SKYPE".) I sat, holding Mason, looking as beautiful as I'd looked in weeks. In that my hair was washed, but not dried or styled and I was wearing tinted moisturizer in an attempt to cover what remains of the acne I developed while pregnant (but it couldn't hide my hideous cold sore) and mascara. My family, in between the ceremony and reception, looked stunning. Hair beautifully coiffed, makeup perfectly applied and dressed to the nines. The comparison was laughable. Well, it is now. At the time it nearly made me burst into new tears.

Had I enjoyed the fun and fancy free time I had while I had it? Because we've had to try for a while with both of our children, sometimes I was too focused on not having children and feeling guilty when I should have made more of an effort to appreciate the childless time I was given. Don't get me wrong, I was and am so thrilled to be a mother - I'm just acclimating to my new normal and realizing that there's a lot less room to be selfish with your time when you have two children. Two children who at the end of our conversation about my family heading off to dance the night away began to scream in unison. We could all only laugh as we hung up.

After calming the baby, I tried to put him down but he wouldn't stop crying unless he was being held. I'd had so many people on Facebook wish me a happy birthday, hoping that I'd get lots of snuggles and enjoy my new baby, but this wasn't how I'd imagined it.

It was a few minutes to bedtime and I realized we hadn't fed Teagan, so secured my Mother of the Year nomination and gave her cereal for dinner. I decided to eat cereal myself, since I was too lazy for anything else. I ate a few bites and got distracted by someone screaming and forgot about it, resulting in soggy cereal. Is THIS my new normal?

While Brandon put Teagan to bed, I changed "the easy one" while our daughter screamed bloody murder upstairs. By this point I had a pounding headache - did I mention I was already sick? - and was about to cry again. Then it occurred to me that at least Mason hadn't peed on me. While basking in the silver lining I'd found, he let 'er rip and exploded poo into the new diaper I hadn't fastened yet. Laughing instead of crying, I got him dressed and handed him to my poor husband who'd tried to make my birthday fun in spite of sickness and a newborn and Mason threw up what seemed like everything he'd consumed that day all over him. I took the baby while Brandon cleaned up and he just looked up at me and stared at me like he hasn't before and then slept soundly in my arms for over an hour - and I enjoyed every minute. He's becoming more aware of the world around him and while I know he still can't see much, I feel like we've made eye contact a few times and there's nothing like looking into the eyes of a newborn baby...when they're both going in the same direction.

I'm thirty. I may not be flirty or thriving, but I'm a mother of two and will do my best to live up to the expectations Heavenly has put on me, entrusting me with these two precious souls. I wanted so badly to be a mother and if that means I watch a little less adult TV and spend less time cleaning or surfing the net, then I'm all the better for it. I had plenty of time to myself and now I owe it to these children and my husband to be focused on them (with a little time to myself or with friends every now and again). I haven't acclimated yet, and won't for a while. It still makes my teeth clench when Teagan dumps out the drawer of tea towels I've just folded neatly and it frustrates me when my son wants to be fed every hour and I think I'm going to lose my mind when they both cry at the same time, but I can do this. I will survive.